I'm finding myself to feel so lost, and easily irritated. I want to be in South Africa so badly.. I'm sick of sitting out on the sidelines waiting for someone to die in order to be able to travel to see family.

I want more than anything for things to just go into place NOW. I'm tired of waiting, tired of pushing and striving for things that are only going to happen in 3 years or so.

Some people really don't realise how lucky they are. I could be considered one of those people, but I appreciate what I have.. don't kid yourself. I just wish things were slightly different.

a box pops up "You Have Received A New E-mail From Margot Alberts"

oh.. I wonder what my mom sent me.. "Sorry Siobhan, Uncle Art has died, pace maker never kicked in, leaving for Calgary now. will call later"

WHHHHAAAT?!

2 deaths in a matter of not even a year and a half..

I knew he was sick.. he went for surgery on Friday to have the pacemaker put in, but apparently he went into heart failure and his lungs filled with fluids.. why?! and of all of us.. who is suffering? My Aunt Peggy.. first she lost her sister just a little over a year ago, and now her husband of just over 50 years.

I dunno how to deal with death, I'm still not done mourning my grand-mother's death and now the sweetest uncle in the world.. I just saw him in July at the hospital.. he cried when he saw me.. I have a very special connection with the older generations in my family being the first born I was very important to all of them. and now.. they're all leaving me..

You throw me off track with every word you say,

Quit playing with my mind, and stabbing at my heart,

You won't win this battle again,

I won't let you tear us apart,

I tried to understand what you meant when you said "let's be friends",

But apparently it's a little something more than friendship you want,

I'm sorry but I can't accept that if you lied in the first place,

I can't go on trying to pretend it's worth the time and effort to be a little runt,

I'm worth more than you bargained for,

I have more pride than you suspect,

I'm not your average slut-bag,

I have too much self-respect,

So turn around and go the other direction,

Don't look back at me in the rear view,

Just stare forward and move on now,

Because I'm truly done with you.

So, Monday I start classes and I'll officially be going to college full-time. It's quite surreal really, it feels like it's taken me forever to do this and now I'm finally doing it. For those of you who don't know, I never finished high school. I had 10 elective credits left to graduate and I had completed all of my compulsory credits. It didn't seem necessary to go back to school just to do some crap courses just to get a piece of paper when I can just do the testing and get into college anyways! I know some of you may disagree, but I live on my own and it's necessary that I get college done ASAP. I'm 20 years old and I'd rather not get stuck at minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life. The field I have chosen(Travel and Tourism) is something that will always be around. People say there's no jobs in it, but I'm looking at moving around in my career. I do not plan on staying in Ottawa for the rest of my life. This way I can go anywhere in the world and still work. It's an internationally recognized program unlike some others. As far as I'm concerned that is a very big thing to have, I've seen what it does when you have all the qualifications for a job in one country but in another they're useless.

I'm still working part-time at Starbucks with full-time hours, I'm cutting them now though so I can have enough study time for school. I might get a transfer to a different store just because getting home after midnight from my store is not that easy, a downtown store would be ideal because I can get a bus from there until 12:30 that comes right to my place without the fear of having to switch over and wait for a bus that 90% of the time never comes.

Other than that, things are good. My life is not half bad really, I've accomplished alot this year. Alot more than I thought I would have 6 months ago.

Ok,

So first off I should probably mention I've had only 2 hours of sleep.

Last night I ended up going out to Zaphods, had an AWESOME time.. so we leave Zaphods at 1am and walk back to Rideau to bus home.. now I don't know if anyone else knows of this man, but he usually rides around on a bicycle making weird whistling noises and wears a mask that he obviously painted himself. He moves his arms in motion as he pedals and glares at you as he drives by. So anyhoo, he pulls up in this electric wheelchair, attached to it is a wagon with a HUGE dog.. once again whistling away and yelling at randoms.. on his license plate it says "Dr. Mask"

The reason I'm writing about him is I find it so fascinating the things that people do, I mean, I don't know why he does these things.. or whether he realises how creepy it is.. but he just carries on his way. He's completely harmless though..

So then I get home at 2:30am, wake up at 5am to go to work.. open the store.. drink LOTS AND LOTS of coffee.. punch out at 10am.. now I have a 2 hour break before I start Sara's shift..

Start Sara's shift at 12pm and by this time I'm feeling the caffeine like you wouldn't believe.. this lady comes in.. apparently a regular.. she has a walker and there's 2 people in front of her.. the person has just paid for their order and turns to walk to the bar.. SHE BASHES THEM WITH HER WALKER! Then she starts complaining nobody has respect for the crippled, etc, etc,etc.. eventhough she was in the wrong.

My assistant manager then offers to help bring her order to her table, very rudely she accepts the offer and proceeds in that direction.. another girl I work with is standing at the bar waiting for her drink to go home.. what does the lady do? not say excuse me or ask her politely or get her attention in a civilized manner.. but BASHES HER WITH HER WALKER AND YELLS MOVE!

What on earth is this woman's problem? I mean honestly! So Paula(assistant manager) proceeds to politely say to her that she didn't mean to get in her way and she'd appreciate it if she showed some respect towards the customers and the staff.. but the lady then starts saying they should all basically bow down to her every need because she has a walker and no manners!

UGH!

So after this happens I find out the lady had made one of our staff members cry before by being so rude.. and she blatantly goes out of her way to try to make people cry and when one of our supervisors had approached her about it she says "Well  what do you want me to do, dance around and be happy" then she started dancing with her walker!

I have no idea what to think other than she's just a stubborn old lady with a really bad chip on her shoulder!

Other than that, things are AWESOMEE!